| one of the facets of not having a wife. |
[30 Apr 2002|12:18pm] |
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Things are so different when there’s a woman around the house – a wife beside you, the lady of the house!
I realized this when I was doing my invitation cards. So now, in amma’s absence whose name do we issue the card in? Tradition demands that the cards be issued in the name of eldest couple of either side of the family. But what is one supposed to do when they refuse to let the card bear their name?
Well, that seemed a blessing in disguise for me! Like any girl, I too wished that my parents issue the card in their name. As an artist, I thought that I would design my wedding card according to my wishes. But reality seemed different, all these dreams seemed slipping away from my hands. With amma’s demise, I was told I couldnot issue the card in dad’s name.
Reason: it was not done in our family! And when asked the solution:” we don’t know, cos this is the first such incident! where the wife is not there.”
Alternative: issue the card in someone else’s name. – something that did not gel with me.
Cos, those whose names I wanted felt sorry for me, felt amma’s absence very much especially at this moment. But I wanted my cards. I too feel her absence more so frequently now-a-days, especially when I see dad feeling helpless about certain matters, but I’ve a few desires too. So does my dad. And neither of us were going to compromise. A little bit, yes, but not to the whole concept.
That’s when I got another wish fulfilled! The card now bears dad’s name! The design is something that is not liked by many !!!! again because it goes against the family tradition of a simple normal wedding card. But this design is something that I treasured for a long time, a time when one sees only fantasies and dreams… and I wanted to use the best of my portfolio to make this card – yes it’s a reflection of my college days. And lo behold, today I have the rough design on my computer.. fully okayed by dad - One of the people to know the importance of designing the card in this manner.
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[28 Mar 2002|09:15am] |
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HOLI .. gulal, rang.. pichkari.. balloons.. oh what all we used!!!
Today seeing the kids play with gulal and phickaris i remmeber the times we used to have! Kids today surely are doing nothing compared to what we used to do till a few years back.. why till 2 years back!
And to think i would miss all that....:(
starting on the eve of holi ! it used to be fun.. collecting used furniture from all flats / branches / twigs.. well.. as usual it used to be girls vs boys... after all they claimed to be stronger than us!!
Then arranging them conically... so that the bonfire could raise atleast upto the 2nd floor... waiting with eagerness for teh fire to be lit, the first tikka of gulal to be applied .. the "gud roti" to be baked at the fire.... so we could resume our mischief ... spray everyone around with water and gulal...
But more than that.. what i would miss is that innocent pranks we used to play on passers-by! Forget the exams the next day... forget everything for a day! just wait for people in the cervices of the stairs with ready buckets, balloons.. drag atleast one member out of every house and then discolor each other so much that it would be difficult to recognise ourselves!! On top of it all just beg people to pour water from their respective balconies!!! just to savor the chill and excitement of being totally drenched! (or was it a way to get to some semblance and wash out the unwanted colors??)
And then the grand finale... go out on the streets thru the neighbourhood in our best colorful attires (or was it worst- anyhow we never bothered!) and party away the afternoon!!!
oh what fun it was !!! I wish i could go back all those years and relive every moment!
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[28 Mar 2002|07:54am] |
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i sat with her for sometime...... chatted with her.... as i got up to go back home, i held her hand to wish her the best for her and her future kid, and realised that it'd be the last time i'd be holding the hand of the person she was today, as I was ....... i was confident she'd change completely after motherhood and so would I after my marriage.......afterall with every change in life you gain something you lose something.
as i walked back home, i couldnt hold back anymore...... tears rolled down my cheeks when i thought of her . my cousin and friend.... though, Ive known her so closely only for nearly 3 years and though i've never shared my innermost feelings or my life with her, she was definitely an part of my life, especially since amma passed away....... we are of the same age and have known each other as cousins for the past 26 years....... have had our own share of mischiefs at all family functions..... have also been there for each when either of us were in dire need of company.......and now.. to think we can never be like that! I knew that i'd miss her a lot....... i was right.........
Maybe we meet sometime before your d-day in blore??? I sincerely hope so...else it's afterwe have both got different titles to ourselves!
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| MEN AND THEIR WAYS |
[22 Mar 2002|11:47am] |
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I guess most of us women have at some time or the other wondered this. And heres something I found on our common question!!!!
Why dont most men just come out and tell us the way they feel?
I have learnt that love can make men feel vulnerable, childlike and unable to do whats expected of them. Still men do love and different men express their love differently. In fact, love means different things to a man, at different times in his life. This means a woman needs to be alert to who her man is and what love means to him.
If youre frustrated with waiting to hear those three magic words, take a look at what your man may already be saying in other ways:
1. Simply saying I LOVE YOU
Actually saying these three words is a huge step for some men. Thats because it means a lot more than simply expressing a feeling. For some, it feels like a life commitment, for others it is fraught with danger.
Rejection is enormously painful for most men, and saying I Love You can be an invitation to be hurt. Most men must feel very secure in a relationship and in the womens feelings for him before hell dare say those words. For others, saying I Love you means, Im offering a commitment. Im going to be here to do things for you.
For many men love is expressed thru action, so these words are a promise of what is to follow.
When some men say I Love You, it means I am not leaving or Ill always be faithful This can be very scary for some men. They feel the words themselves are a promise and if the promise is broken they will suffer as well.
Men dont want to break their promises to you. Most want to be able to follow thru and give you what they want. In the end they just want you to feel good about them-and to feel good about themselves as well.
2. Offering TOKENS of AFFECTION:
There are many different kinds of gifts a man can give. The obvious ones include those wrapped in packages, candy, flowers and special notes. But there are others that a woman may or may not be aware of.
Some other men choose other gifts. Whether your partner stands up to you during a difficult time, goes with you to visit your family, attends important functions with you, puts you first in his thoughts or plans trips, dates outings, the message is the same. He loves you.
If this sounds like your man keep in mind, he like many men may not be comfortable with expressing his feelings directly, so these behaviors are indicative that he cares a great deal. The trick to understanding a guy like this lies in realizing 2 things: These actions are being generated out of love and he expects you to know that.
3. Introducing YOU to HIS FAMILY
Another way of saying I Love You is taking you home to meet the family and close meaningful friends. This is often an indicator that the man has deeper feelings for you. Not only does it say that hes proud of you, but he wants to connect you with the people who mean the most to him. He wants you to care about them, and for them to care about you as well.
By being aware of the people in his life that he introduces you to and includes you with, you can get a good idea of how he operates in this area. Love, in the deepest sense, includes sharing all parts of ourselves with one another.
It is helpful to keep a little journal of your relationship. So many acts and expressions of love go unnoticed and unfelt because we simply get used to them or become too busy to stop and take note or to stop and say thank you.
Take a few minutes each evening to note what you received that day and also what you gave. Be specific. List everything, like phone calls, kind words, a special memory, a surprise visit etc. You will be amazed when you look back and realize all the ways your partner is giving to you. Plus it will help you find new ways to give back to him.
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| THIS IS ONE WORTH PONDER!!! |
[22 Mar 2002|11:45am] |
Something I again read. But at times truefor all of us
Does your life seem filled with hours and hours of trying to keep other people like your partner, their parents, your parents, your friends, your boss happy? When you fall and someone becomes disappointed with you, do you redouble your efforts and kick yourself for not meeting their standards? When then do you find time for yourself? And when you do finally make the time for yourself, do you find that you are far from happy? That youre often confused? Especially since youve tried so hard to keep others from being disappointed in you?
May be the truth is simply that, no matter what you do, you can never please them as much as they want to be pleased. In fact when you take the responsibility for others feelings you treat them like children rather than adults who are capable of deciding for themselves whether they want to be happy or miserable.
Remember you cant stop others from being disappointed in you, or unhappy with you. But you can stop running your life according to their desires. And when you finally do so, you will discover that the one, most important person you forgot to take care wad you. The happier you are despite what others around you feel, the more your life improves. And the more your relationship will improve too simply because of your changed disposition. Remind yourself that you are only responsible for one persons happiness in this world: your own. The more you take care of this responsibility and let go of others the better a partner you will automatically become.
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| it's going to be tough going... |
[21 Mar 2002|10:55am] |
love can make you forget everything...
but i guess, it's neceesary at times to be apart and gain back concentration..especially if it is affecting your daily routine. and start thinking of practical things...
but each has his own way of achieving this concentration.. at times by being curt.. (which i'm being at teh moment... and i'm feeling very sorry for that..)
but it's only a matter of time... and we have a long way and wait still. So though these days and months are going to be very hard for me.. i'm going to do all i can help you get back your concentration.
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[18 Mar 2002|12:04am] |
I know I should be writing about anything and everything in the journal. Eventually its one space wherein I can put my thoughts, my worries, everything as they are. In a neat order or in disorder. It doesnt mind if theres a wee bit of craziness to them thats what journals are for!!! To put in your soul, and its bruises and balms as and when they are inflicted on to u! Like every human, I too expect my share of attention, whether my journal grabs the attention of anyone else or not. This space is for me like the canvas that was my board for so many years, wherein, all my energies; positive or negative would be transformed into pictures just because I liked painting!
So much to write about.. so much to talk about!!! But when it actually comes to penning in them all.. I find a kind of lethargy creep into me. I know I should write frequently. Emote more.. but the actual process of sitting down to do that tires me out!!!!
At times, all I do is just flip backwards to the start of my journal to see how far I have come along!!! Small incidents yet some which have become a part of me never to be erased from my mind bringing a smile onto my lips whenever I reminisce about them
At times, I wonder.. reading into my diary the hard copy version if it was me who used to write all that stuff like the other day, I was showing to my friends, my portfolio.. Its unbelievable.. that I had done those artworks!!! And how, I miss those times, when I would just take a pencil, a rough piece of paper sketch out.. wheres that hold gone??? The passion that was there?? All that I do know is see those images, tuck it away into its corner again.. and move on with living. Or is it .. today, my passions being channelised into different spheres??? Yes, I think thats it.. Today, I have different priorities.. .vastly opposite to those I had as a collegiate.. Then it was just to become very successful.. and strike it out on my own!! Now its changed.. The successful part remains.. but in a different sphere of life I know as a daughter, I have done my utmost!! Or have I ??? Well, I tried my best As a companion, a wife, a motherwell.. those are areas I will tread in future Till then let me continue nurturing hopes that I will be successful in all that I put my foot into
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| Face to Face |
[13 Mar 2002|01:54am] |
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probably, she never had students like us!!! Mischievious, on the lookout to escape her lessons!!!!!!
I remember, it was fun at first but later I started looking for excuses to escape those 2 hours !!! Excuses at the age of 6-7!!!
Sometimes, it would be 3 pm or sometimes 6 pm when I had just returned from school!!! I used to hate going at 6pm 'cos, it meant no play that day!!!! But it also meant wearing those musical ghungroos !!!! And dancing away to my heart's content!!! And, I used to just love that musical soundAs with everything else, however, this became a routine.. and Routine is something a child never understands!!!!! The same went with for me too.
Now when I look back on those golden days I realize that like me, and 2 others radhika, and arunamy partners in dance used to be terrorized and anticipating, on whose feet the wooden rod would land!!!
Dance mami, as our teacher was known.. (she was a typical mami.. with the nine yards etc.) would come about 10-15 minutes late (10-15 precious minutes for that meant so much less time to go down to play!!) Then would start the tapping, with her wooden rod in rhythm beat with "ta thayya tai, tha tayya tai".
she taught us bharatanatyam. one wrong step, and the wooden rod would land on our feet, causing a blue-green sore on whichever toe it fell. We used to feel, shes bad.. cos she used to hit us!!!
Today i wouldn't blame her I realise..
she was ageing fast, losing patience.
and we were kids who loved to wear the ghungroos cos of the music they had in them..
well, like most kids, its difficult to forget a painful memory; i haven't forgotten my sore toes either.
gradually, as my schoolbag became heavier, tuitions increased, and hours in the school grew longer, i saw less of our dance teacher. And after a five year encounter with the musical bells, finally quit it in favor of my academics...Five whole years... "just one more year- and u will be a fullfledged dancer who can have her own dance program...", "imagine,.. wearing those fancy clothes...jewels.." all this fell on deaf ears... I had lost precious play time and i would lose no more!!!!!
But this phase, the intricate steps, made me a connoiseur of temple carvings and statues.. also made me acknowledge the importance of art in life... now i know why my parents pressed me so much years ago.
Just last week, i was looking thru my old snaps, especially one of them... in a typical dancing posture!!!
And Yesterday when I went to the Shiva Temple, (coincidentally the Lord of Dance), I was looking around to kill my time in the queue, and couldnt take my eyes off one old South Indian mami, a somewhat familiar face in the crowd many heads ahead of me an impulse.. I waited.. contemplating to ask her.. or not to half unsure, i asked her if she was who I thought she was if she remembered me/ us.
after peering at my face, for a few seconds.. (during which I felt.. I was wrongthis is not who I think!!!) she asked me back in fluent tamil: "am i supposed to know you?" I felt, oopsss.. made a mistake and was about to apologise, when she smiledI realized 15 years is not long enough to forget someone and youth can forget but as people grow old.. such small coincidental meets are what makes them appreciate life..their value in shaping someones life!!!
Yeah thats wht she did.. Unknowingly all those years ago made me realize.. I did not want to do something just because its what everyone does, I wanted to carve a niche for myselfI did not have to prove anything to anybody.
And today when Im at the threshold of marriage, I realize a few things.
i think it's simple...
Ill not allow anyone to influence my dreams anymore.
Ill allow my children to learn what they want.. Instead of forcing things on them.
and lastly, I guess its never too late to learn anything yourself.!!!
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| Monday morning blues.. |
[04 Mar 2002|11:54pm] |
There is something chilling about old age. I feel life is beautiful, but it is also struggle, a long way, with us carrying so many fears then old age descends and the real fears confront and alas we wish we had lived a different life.
Morning strolls can really put some insight into ur perception of life.. at least I learnt a few new things this Monday!
I learnt that at that age, and at the vulnerable point in life when everything comes down heavily, human beings have little ammunition. From bones to dreams everything creaks. And worst you cant take a detour anywhere! Every mistake, every sin, every undoing every wrong sits across the elderly.
To be old is still lucky. To be old and have little good health, thats not lucky. To be old and have very little company, thats not lucky. But worst of all To BE OLD AND TO HAVE LOST YOUR LIFE PARTNER, THATS VERY, VERY UNLUCKY. How do they cope?? Every pondered??? Unlucky is probably the wrong word, some would say its everybody eventuality. Someone will die before the other. But think, of the truth, the hurt behind those words uttered by the elders. At a young age you can still go out and find love/ companionship. But at an age when u need it the most, where do you go and find it? They say every time u lose someone you love, u gain an angel.
Forget respect, all I think the elders need is love. Compassion. Not pity. They are already in a state where they have had to come to terms with the fact that they cant do half the things they did taking for granted, they dont need more reminders from us of their failings, they need an elbow.
The elderly are lovely to be around; they might not give us what we want, but can offer what we need, the wisdom of their years. I loved being around the elderly, I guess, I can look after them be easy with them. And due to this stint, I have formed this overwhelming desire, almost a command to look after the old. I have heard the scared whispers of the elderly tormented by family members, and I realize, more than children the old need us. Kids have life on their side.. the old are losing it.
At the centre, I have seen upfront and closely, very closely, many old many impoverished many acutely lonely. And trust me , its very heartbreaking.
Remember to treat the elderly well, for thats how you will be treated when u are old so said mum often.
We will be in the same place, alone, frightened, and hopeless. Our hands will quiver, the days will be long, the nights longer and no sleep at all, and worst of all, we will have memories haunting us of good times gone, of our youth of our loved ones, of the beautiful burdens of life. We will have loneliness while around us life will continue in the young. We will need love.
We cant escape anything, as we do, we will be done. I just hope, people look after their old and elderly. Never mind if they drop food everywhere or forget to switch off the lights or come in the way of entertaining or privacy or keep you up at night and stop you from going, they have nowhere else to go..
REMEMBER THIS.. ALL OF U AS I WELL INTEND TO! We are the elbows to our parents, irrespective of our distances and relations. We are the ones they will turn to when in need..
And Ill help out when any elderly needs my elbow. (and i hope you will support me!!)
This solemn promise made to myself, i return back.. to face the grit of my daily life!
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| a letter ..... |
[01 Mar 2002|11:38am] |
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for the first time today, i miss your presence.. the heart to heart talks we had! I thought i would have them even now with a few selected.. but today.. where are they when i need them the most??
I realise, how important a woman's presence is in a house during the event of her daughter's wedding.... amma i realised, it's true that as a father, a man will do what he feels the society wants, irrespective of whether it's his daughter's wish or not... irrespective of whether his daughter would feel comfortable or not..
amma, i wish u were here so that there wouldn't be this interference of too many heads. So that there could be a direct one to one interaction. So that things could have gone smoothly, so that i would have been a happy participant instead of feeling like a puppet slowly, who's being pulled at all sides. Who's being asked answers to questions she's never ever asked. Who's being ordered to do as bid by people who have never talked to her that way.
I'm slowly getting this feeling of becoming a non-entity...am i becoming that???
Amma, what becomes of all the dreams i had of my marriage preparations???? that i would get to take part, in all the activities, that my views asked for in decisions that are going to directly affect me ?????? That people would respect my wishes, hear them out instead of brushing them aside in the name of tradition and customs and society! dreams, are they all to be just that? dreams...
And all know that i would eventually do anything even keep my mouth shut, putting up with all that's been doled out. but they don't know that these would always leave a bitter taste regards to this otherwise joyous time in my life!
amma, i used to think, i could talk it out, but now find there's none to do that... amma i miss u terribly for the first time in these 2 1/2 months thats just passed by... and today am breaking my promise to you.. amma, the dam is about to overlow and i can no longer withold the flow of the water! Forgive your daughter... i couldn't care enough for you to nurse you back to health and today am breaking my promise .. the only one you took from me...to always uphold.. to always do what i feel is right... i'm sorry amma. I know i'll never forgive myself for this.
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| INA SONKI !!! |
[27 Feb 2002|02:28am] |
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As said in Hausa dialect!!!!
Our love is a shield protecting each one unto the other against life's natural travails.We have strength in our love to meet the challenges and grow with each encounter. You are half, I am your mirrored image, together we form love's perfect circle of power.
Surfing thru the net, I found something today, that echoes my feelings entirely!!!!
Place your heart into my hands.
Let me introduce you into my world.
Ill roll out the red carpet for you,
treat you like a king.
Put your trust in me.
Its a brand new life for you in the making.
Place your heart into my hands.
Let me introduce you into my world.
Whether we smile, laugh, frown or cry,
Each others emotions we will always feel.
You are mine and I am yours.
Place your heart into my hands.
Let me introduce you into my world.
You take a priority in my life.
Youre given a friend as well as a lover.
Youre given a shoulder to lean on,
A confidant to depend on.
Place your heart into my hands.
Let me introduce you into my world.
You are my one and only.
My efforts and dedication are in your corner.
Youre my first thought in the morning, my last at night.
Forever in my world, youll be my shining light.
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| A new start .. A new outlook A new experience. |
[24 Feb 2002|12:24pm] |
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3rd Feb.!!! A day down in my calendar deep in my heart. The day I found the love that I had found is truer than no other.
The tryst started on the 2nd when I stepped out of my residence, realizing fully that no longer would I enter this place I called home for the past 26 years, as the same girl! This feeling left a even more darker imprint on my mood when I crossed the city limits, boarded the train and was on my way to become a part of a new family, a new place, and most of all to become a part of someone lifes, someone I loved. To get ENGAGED, to become a fiance! Ur fiancee!
How would I feel?? How would it all go??? I wondered all through my journey, amidst teasing banters from my loved ones reminding of the actual purpose of the trip..I spent a meaningful part of the night thinking about would I feel new? Would I feel comfortable? Would I be able to adjust??? The train entered the environs of Nagpur, and I felt like I had come home. Gone were the apprehensions, gone was the scare, and gone was the awkwardness of having to stay at your home. All that remained was excitement and happiness. A feeling so complete like I was a local out there, not a first timer!
Looking out for the first glimpse of my future glimpse, I noticed how everything on my way resembled a familiarity. About to step into the house, I found amma was ready with an aarti plate .. asking me to put my right foot in first. And here I was all ready to just barge in as though it was my home!
But, this warm welcome gesture will always be with me throughout. Introducing to one and all.. as her daughter-in-law. All the while I was on the lookout for the one person I most wanted to meetpapa. Someone, I was told was the most loving personality. There he was, a tall warm personality, welcoming us all into his family.
By the time I could get freshened up it was time to receive Ravi, and believe me it took quite some convincing to get everyone allow me to go to the station with you, my would-be-fiance!! Finally, I thought luck was in my favor I would get to spend time with my would be getting to observe him, talk to him, but guess it was not so Common.. it was just hardly for 1-2 days that we met personally. And I knew I was doing the right thing in choosing him as my life partner, but at the same time had to know how he felt. Did he really feel as much as I? I was allowed on one condition, someone accompanies us! And who better than my best friend! Well, and was I glad I got my answer! There he was my fianc, driving away without any indication, of how happy he had made me!
Once home from the station, and pata hi nahi chala kab kaise.. everything was so relaxed at one moment.. immediately the next there was a flurry of activity applying mehendi, (well, I found a good co partner that day for my fav. Hobby!!- amma!) to all those who put their hands forward, getting my things ready for the even of the day! And in between all this summons from my hubby to join him for an outing! Well, with the activities on in our room, I guess time just flew and I was in double mind whether stay back and get ready or to go along .Im glad I decided on the latter. Out with him alone, I honestly did not expect that it would be so wonderful...but it sure gave me beautiful memories..some that I treasure very close to me always.
Well, returning home it turned out to be quite hectic. I got ready, the function started and I felt that before a blink of an eye, before I could even take it in, there was the symbol of my engaged status on my finger, lovingly put in by u. Then it was a frenzy of activities; details read out, namaskarams done, introductions, and then dinner. There's a chill in the air! said all... but despite its pertinent efforts the chilly wind had no hopes of brushing me cos of the warmth of my ring! And such a warm haze enveloped me all about. The bantering, the talks.. all pointing out just one thing, one reality, I was ENGAGED, as my friends pointed out, luckily to someone I loved and unknown to me was reciprocating my feelings!! Dinner then, back to home where everyone was busy with his or her own thing, packing for the return the next day! Something I realized I was not ready to do.
Something kept nagging me, something was wrong and I waited for my mind to clear. As it became clear, I realized, hardly had I exchanged a few words with my fianc of just a few hours! And I waited till we went out.. a drive.. !!!! A long drive, something that I always visualized I would go on with my love. At long last.
So how do u feel???????? u questioned me!
What do I tell u at that moment, that I was ecstatic??? That I missed my mum who would have been very happy to see me this way??? Or do I tell u what u wanted to hear all along???? No, I did nothing and told u something I always did, gave a very diplomatic answer.. happy!! leaving u to comprehend all that the word encompassed!
Well, I thought giving him something that would convey my feelings would be ok, and I did just that. Later on our way back was when I realized that I didnt want those moments to end. Maybe cos, tomorrow would mean going home.. that was not home anymore. Just a place I was staying till the time I came over as his wife. His wife, from today it would be not I or u, but WE! This meant that I tell him to extend our moments of solitude??? Well, Im glad, my heart ruled over my mind this once and thats what I did.. asking u to drive along for about a few minutes more.
This drive made me realize, He is what I call an angel. An angel God sent down just for me. To keep me warm, happy, and free. He is so innocent and pure. And full of patience! Best of all, he is mine. I knew WE were meant to be. And best of all did you know that my angel asked me to share this love forever, I mean who would have guessed he'd love me. Like I said, my love is truer than no other and confident of the fact that we are meant to be, we returned home! To come in and then be welcomed by the eldest son of our family saying that its just exactly 7 months along that I can come back to this home, as one of its family members. With such happy thoughts I retired for the night.. But sleep eluded me like it had for the past 2 nights. But today it was cos of happiness, a sense of fulfillment, a sense of belonging.. a sense of being in the right place.
And believe me it turned out to be the shortest nightmorning couldnt have come sooner something I dreaded would have given anything to postpone. And then it was time, back to going on a trip. But unlike when I left thane, I now felt bereft. I felt my feet drag to the stairs to the station. And there was the train waiting to take me away from a family I came to love in so short a time, from the person I had committed myself to spend the rest of my life. Breaking the warm haze that this family had enveloped me in when I arrived the day before, to go alone to a place that was cold for methat was no longer a home but a house henceforth!
And this melancholy stayed with me throughout the journey back. The sun was slowly putting up a show, a blush builds along the horizon, something similar to the one on my face!! Then it begins to punish, like my memories, which kept coming vividly in front of me.How I yearned to stay back. How I wished it were just u and I there instead of the others, gazing as the sun went down yonder to bring in another night. The dying sun had me transfixed, that day, just as its bright halo, a brightness, a glow making a permanent mark on my face. As I watched, the red disk didnt hurt anymore and at the count of 10, dunk into the horizon beyond, reminding me it was time to think practical thoughts.
As, I sit here today writing this out, the snaps in front of me, I vividly recall every moment spent with u my dear, for those are the precious moments that give me solace when I am alone, so far from you.
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| fragile .. handle with care!!! |
[20 Feb 2002|03:48pm] |
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Heart wrapped in detachment,
A relationship enclosed in trust...
Love strings with teh elasticity of compromise.
Have no price tag or lifetime guarantee!!!
I spent some tim eyesterday with happy thoughts of thedays we shared. Thinking of the way we are the trust we share, the warmth we feel reminds me of what a special feeling it is to share with u a love that's beyond my imagination.
It makes me confident that time can never change my deep and lasting love for u. There's love and there's love, but sweetheart nothing like the love that gives throughout and shows in constant caring, through the laughter and the tears, a forever kind of love that's deep within in some corner, a kind of love i know that i've shred and felt for you unknowingly from the start.
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| Our dreams seldom come true, but then neither do our nightmares." |
[18 Feb 2002|03:13am] |
So quoted Charles Kennedy
well, I would like to defer!
Today I believe if u dream with all your heart u and only you with HIS help have the ability to shape it to reality!
This i say 15 days after my formal engagement. 15 days and how time flies.. a ring is all it takes to get engaged. But believe me, that is all it takes to change peoples outlook too
U have a glow about u!! Being engaged suits u!!!. well, let me tell u, its the way u look at me now, with happiness and not pity that makes u feel theres a glow Being engaged and so far away from each other, believe me is difficult yes, I admit , I feel an aura of happiness engulfing me every time.. a strong cocoon of love around me.. for the number of people loving me has doubled itself.
U r here for just 6 months.. enjoy ur freedom till then.. hey, let me tell u all something, Im not losing my freedom after 6 months. Im just shifting my base thats it.. to a family unit thats just like the one I have now. Yes, I will have more people to call my own, more people I have to look out for, more people to guide me people who love me as u have for all these years.
Dont bow, dont argue.. 2 very contradicting statements how do u expect me not to bow, if I cant argue??? And do I not bow with u all??? Do I not argue with u all????
You have to change your ways of looking at things forget what u have been doing here forget what u feel about the way certain things are done.. go according to tradition.U dont know anything, so keep quiet just go about as we say till the 4th and then u can do as u wish..... well, tell me what is tradition? Something that we have all followed according to our convenience? At our leisure? So why should I forget what we have been following or rather the traditions we have been following??? Traditions say u care for elders.. be they ur blood or anyone So if I care for them, that doesnt mean I am trying to get into their good books I dont need to Im what Im.. tomorrow when I shift base, will I care for anyone of u lesser?? No, it will just mean Ill be dividing my timeLikewise, today, it's for them.
No my dear ones, u are all mistaken, in your attempt to get to me..you have let your own experiences hamper your thoughts And believe me its all these experiences of yours that has helped me be what Im and helped me make decisions that Im confident I can successfully carry out
Its confidence and love that has given me what I have always wanted.. a happy caring family with a loving individual as my beacon of light there.
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| A musing line of thought on a warm day |
[15 Feb 2002|09:52am] |
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I open the old chest of memories and what do I see? All of the things that are special to me. Life filled with connections and separations. And I realize how our peace is affected by how we deal with our separations.
"Separation", how I have come to dread that word for in a few months Ill be separated from my childhood home to go on to my home.. Separated from the loving circle of my nest onto another circle of love, a circle not formed by blood but by destiny.
I have faced many separations in the past few months than all my life. And each of them from within a different kind of relations. Separations from the one who brought me into this world to the one who would guide me forever for the rest of my life, separations from people who have known the real mebeen my friends all thru, Some connections I know would never be the same again, some which I anticipate eagerly.
The past few months has seen our trilogy of friends fulfilling their share of dreams..we have been close friends and I miss them with all my heart. Before we got separated, we had been very close friends. Close enough to know about everything that happened with each other.be it with ourselves or the ones we love. Recalling the past, we would talk about a lot of things, advice each other about our better halves!!! We had a lot of things in common. We even shared our dreams. Sometimes we would argue and fight; yet other times we would laugh and stay up all night. We went from playing with games and toys, to talking and dreaming about different boys. Our thoughts and feelings, we would confide, never having anything to hide.
Today Friends we do remain, but with Things changing, and at the same time things staying the same. To each other we still listen and share, and we will always care about each other. It may not be the same, yet some things never change. We healed our broken hearts with a hug and a gentle smile. We stayed up many a night looking at the stars, Giggling like little girls and having midnight talks. We know our sun will shine when in need for each fell in love, and we went away, knowing we 'd have a closer friend one day. Someone whom we would call our best friend, but to the world he would be our hubbies
We knew that then we would never again have those long talks and play like little girls again. We knew all the pain we'd cause ourselves. Yet we promised no matter what we'd remain forever best friends And where the years take us, No place is too far, we will think of each other, wherever we are.
Those were just a part of the memorable moments we had. Indeed, we had a lot of memorable moments we shared for a long time. Now that we have been far from each other, I miss then so much. But I know that we will always be the best pals. And someday will come when we meet as couples to see how life has fared with each of us and how our dreams have come alive!
P.S.: Sometimes I wish I could put my life in rewind, but I know I have to close the old chest and leave the past behind soon to open a new treasury overflowing with love and joy.
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| WHAT?????????? |
[14 Feb 2002|05:03am] |
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ur engaged to be married.
but how? When? Where? Who? Arranged? No sure its a Love match??
"Tu to chupa rustom niklikisis ko bataya nahihow can u????"
And so much more.. these and many more questions i see in most of my friends' and relatives eyes when they wish me on my engagement. People who say they know me since the day I was born are today questioning if its an arranged match or an love
wht do I say? Keep repeating the same as I have been telling all since the day we got the official confirmation???? That its definitely an arranged marriage, an alliance that has mums OK on it or do I confess that love crept in somewhere? But none would understand it. The people who matter the most knew what it was.
Dont say or do anything that would harm anyone. What is not necessary to be know can be kept in wraps was my mums mantra always.
But amma, today I have had to give justification for the whole story.. how am I supposed to make them understand that it is totally an arranged alliance with both ur blessings???
For surely, given my image that they have, they wouldnt be able to comprehend how I can be comfy with anyone so quicklyhow i can decide to stay a lifetime with a person i didn't know personally.
How do I tell them that neither of us can make anyone understand what it was either. As a matter of fact nor do i feel the need to. I don't want to tell them that sometime, somewhere along the way, like in any relationship, we met on a journey we started together as strangers, a journey thru life which taught us a lesson in its own sweet time. we learnt, understood, and today are anticipating what it is like to live a lifetime with each other.
well, amma, i know i can still feel u everywhere around me.. always watching me, protecting me, giving me strength... but i sure miss talking to u very much today.
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| how's he??????? |
[11 Feb 2002|03:44pm] |
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what and how did u come across him???? what do u feel??
this question has been put across by countless and even the most special perosn in my life now...from the time i got engaged to my sweetheart..well to tell the truth. i don't know if he's also aware of what made me fall for himmmmmmmmmmm........so this is an entry that's for him..
Someone special someone sweet, someone who means a lot to me. When I aw him first, I thought hes cute. He also looked like someone I could easily talk too..I didnot know him, who he was, but that he was the one for me. And from I it became US and I knew he would be there day and night, he would be the one to hold me tight always
it's like.. i don't know where to start...
tell me ... have u ever dreamed of meeting someone who puts a smile on your face, or someone who makes u laugh in your downiest hour? A charming person with nothing but love in his heart. Or when u look deeply into his eyes, u feel a magnetic pull that only makes ur love grow deeper. Sweetheart, i have found that person in you, thru my eyes i see a charming man, with eyes into whom the more i look, the more i fall in love with, a man whose smile would light up a room in a second. A man with love in his eyes, whose arms i wouldn't mind having around me day and night. These are the things i see with my eyes. But with my heart i see much more..
i see a man whose heart is as big as the world, a loving man, a man who need not say much for at times his words cannot compare to his gentle touch.
In your heart i see a man whom i'll love till there's no love left in me and in your heart i see a man who will love me.
i gaze into the twin pools of warmth, bright and sparkling and i see something undescribable, something i can't put my finger on. Twin pools blazing and brilliant making all ur sweetness and all your compassion CRYSTAL CLEAR!! Twin pools shimmering and glimmering showing how you are, sweet, sensitive, caring and kind. Funny, friendly, athletic and mischievious. Twin pools so animated and intense help me to share your love of life, your life full of love. I gaze into twin pools of warmth and see the sweetest person i've ever met or will ever meet. I recognise an honest and sincere guy who can be never replaced and I realise you are so special because when i look into your eyes i witness a miracle, I find the soulmate i always desired.
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| this is just for u, my dear.... |
[28 Jan 2002|12:28am] |
I know, Im not being true to u in expressing verbally what I feel at this moment. My dear Im very sorry for that, but please bear with me for it will take some time. (Definitely not long i can assure you, after all, it's not every day that we get someone we love in our life!!) Ive never been vocal with my feelings ever (in such matters), and it sure is hard at times to just say exactly the words u would like to hear. However, before I went to bed tonight I just had to let you know, that my love for you is strong and will always to continue to grow. I thought that you should hear, that every moment we spent together, I hold each second dear. I have you on my mind always. I thought of sweet things you've done for me, things from a heart that is so kind. I hope this letter makes you happy, if only for a while, But I'd gladly write a million just to see you smile. I know this sounds crazy, just like I lost my head. But I had to let you know, before I went to bed.
I'm very sorry....
I'll make it up to you one day!!!!!!And that's my promise to you today.
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| this is just for u, my dear.... |
[28 Jan 2002|12:28am] |
I know, Im not being true to u in expressing verbally what I feel at this moment. My dear Im very sorry for that, but please bear with me for it will take some time. (Definitely not long i can assure you, after all, it's not every day that we get someone we love in our life!!) Ive never been vocal with my feelings ever (in such matters), and it sure is hard at times to just say exactly the words u would like to hear. However, before I went to bed tonight I just had to let you know, that my love for you is strong and will always to continue to grow. I thought that you should hear, that every moment we spent together, I hold each second dear. I have you on my mind always. I thought of sweet things you've done for me, things from a heart that is so kind. I hope this letter makes you happy, if only for a while, But I'd gladly write a million just to see you smile. I know this sounds crazy, just like I lost my head. But I had to let you know, before I went to bed.
I'm very sorry....
I'll make it up to you one day!!!!!!And that's my promise to you today.
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[26 Jan 2002|11:57pm] |
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I found this poem not long after meeting the most wonderful man. I never planned on falling in love with someone on the net but he captured my heart and stirred my soul. We have been communicating for months now.. Sometimes the best things in our lives come unlooked for . . .
Walk with me, the path of life,
to explore every bend of the road
Enjoy with me the beauty of life,
along its wonderful way
Find comfort with me, in each other's arms,
when grief crosses our path
Find strength with me, in each other's strength,
when despair lies in wait
Laugh with me, a single true laugh,
to enlighten another's distress
Cry with me, a single true tear,
to understand true happiness
Cherish with me, the wonders of life,
as they need to be preserved
Rejoice with me, in the mysteries,
of what is yet to be
Find peace with me, in each other's souls,
when the world has gone insane
Find love with me, in each other's hearts,
until this life has been fulfilled
And when the path comes to an end
I hope we can say from within
We've known the beauty of true love,
our love came from within
thanks.
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evening's journal